Tram Hijinks - Part 2

So today I'm waiting for the number 72 tram again. I arrive at 9:07. The tram is scheduled to arrive at 9:10. 9:10 passes. The next tram is scheduled to arrive at 9:19. 9:19 passes. I decide to ring the Metlink Information line to see if there's going to be an even longer delay. The conversation went something like this:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Recorded Message: All our operators are currently busy. Your call will be answered shortly.

30 seconds pass

Phone Operator (P.O): Hello. Metlink. This is [Insert indescipherable name here]. How may I help you?

Me: Hi. I've been waiting for the number 72 tram to Melbourne University for about 20 minutes and I'm just wondering if you know if there's been an accident or something that's delaying the tram?

P.O: No. There's nothing that I know of. I'll just check though.

Checking sounds

P.O: Oh. Yeah. There's a [insert indescipherable object here] blocking the trams. They've said it should take about 20 minutes to clear and that was 15 minutes ago. So there should be a tram in 5 minutes. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah. That's fine. Thanks.

Hang Up

---------------------------------------------------------------

Alternative Ending:

P.O: Oh. Yeah. There's a [insert indescipherable object here] blocking the trams. They've said it should take about 20 minutes to clear and that was 15 minutes ago. So there should be a tram in 5 minutes. Is that okay?

Me: No. It's not really okay. I mean, I'm going to be late, not that it matters. Plus, I've been sitting on this bench for about 20 minutes. It was lucky I have a portable music player otherwise I'd probably be asking for a bit more from you; perhaps some kind of "We're so sorry about the problems we've been having with our system. Here, have a life-time Zone 1,2 & 3 ticket" apology gift.

O.R.

Tram Hijinks

Question: What is wrong with Victoria's public transport system?
Answer: I don't know, but I'm trying to find out.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(refer to Train Hijinks, particularly the farting incident.)

The number 72 tram is running late which, suprisingly, is abnormal. It finally comes and due to it's delay it is quite full already. Not just: "Oh, I won't get a seat" full or "Wow! I'm standing pretty close to this guy" full, but "Sorry for placing the entire front of my body against the entire back of your body" full (also known as 'Bulging Door Syndrome').

So I squeeze in. The doors close. The tram starts to move, and low and behold (I don't even understand that saying) I smell the familiar scent of brown gas.

DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

O.R.

Answers

Nowhere.
Right here.
Not much really.
A mixture of lack of time and lack of energy.
Melt equal quantities of good quality chocolate and cream. Arrange a selection of fruit (strawberries, pineapple, kiwi fruit and banana work well) on a platter. Everyone skewers a piece of fruit and dips it into the melted chocolate. Chocolate can be kept warm in a slow cooker (crockpot), double boiler on a portable gas cooker at the table or fondue set (available at cookware and homewares stores).
A cactus.

O.R.

Questions

Where has Osmo gone?
Where has Osmo been?
What has Osmo been doing?
How come Osmo hasn't posted on his blog in...what seems like an eternity to some?
What is a great recipe for Chocolate Fondue?

These questions and more will be answered shortly...

O.R.

I did it for free for MIT

O.R.

Train Hijinks

I took the train home from the city today. It wasn't a good idea.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dave and Osmo are standing on a crowded train station platform during the start of peak hour travel. After a minute a train pulls into the station.

Dave: Damn, the train is crowded.
Osmo Random (OR): Meh. It's not that bad. I've seen worse.
Dave: Okay. Okay. Let's go.

Dave and OR climb aboard the already crowded train carriage.

OR: You're right. It is pretty crowded.

The automatic doors of the train stay open for longer than usual. Suddenly, the train announcer makes an...announcement.

Train announcer (TA): Ladies and Gentlemen, due to a trespasser between South Yarra and Caulfield stations the train on platform 2 will be staying at Parliment station until further notice.
OR: DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN IT TO HELL!
Dave: That'd be right. Well what do we do now?
OR: I say we stick it out. It can't be that long of a delay.
Dave: Okay.

Dave and OR get as comfortable as they can surrounded by a flugen* of commuters. After a few minutes the Train Announcer makes another announcement.

TA: Ladies and Gentlemen, due to a trespasser between South Yarra and Caulfield stations the train on platform 2 will be staying at Parliment station until further notice.
Dave: What the hell does he mean by trespasser anyway?
OR: No idea.

Out of nowhere Rodriguez England appears to help out.

Rodriguez England (RE): Trespasser. Noun. One who enters or remains on the real property of another wrongfully or without the owner's or possessor's authority or consent.
Dave: Hey. Thanks Rodriguez.
RE: No problem. What are you guys doing here anyway.
OR: What does it look like?
RE: Taking the train somwhere?
OR: Correct. Now do you want to go on to the $10,000 question?
RE: I think I'm going to go now.
Dave: That might be a good idea. (Dave speaks to RE away from OR) I think he's a little bit pissed off.
RE: (To Dave) Yeah. I realised. I'll see you later.

RE exits. The beep of the automatic train doors is heard.

OR: HOORAAA!
Dave: Finally!

The highly crowded train slowly makes it's way out of the station. OR sniffs the air.

OR: Oh damn you all to hell! One of you just farted and who ever it was better own up to it.

Scene.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*flugen - n. a group of humans that travel together.

SDC Archive

The Suicidal Donkey Company has once again forced me (through their own special means) to sign a contract stating that I have to set up an archive of their comics. So I have done so (to avoid the consequences) and it is now accessible here.

To celebrate this joyous event they have also given me a new comic to post. It remains below.



O.R.

Soooooo good! 2: Revenge of the photo booth!

And here lies the final product of the trip inside the wonderful, complementary photobooth. (Top left: the author, top right: Jacob, bottom left: Scarlette, bottom right: Bradley

Photo 1 of 4



Me: "If I close my eyes everything disappears."
Jacob: "My head is lodged between the wall and Dave."
Scarlette: "Wow Dave. That really does work!"
Bradley: "I'm smiling for the photo."


Photo 2 of 4



Me: "EHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Jacob: "You're drooling. How rude!"
Scarlette: "Taste's like cheese."
Bradley: "I'm still smiling for the photo"

Photo 3 of 4



Me: "Can you show it to me?"
Jacob: "My head is really starting to hurt but I must continue to smile"
Scarlette: "Did someone turn the laughing gas on or is that a fart I smell?"
Bradley: "What? Why does it keep flashing? Didn't it already take the photo?"

Photo 4 of 4



Me: "OH! It's huge!!!"
Jacob: "OUCH! My brains! MY BRAINS!"
Scarlette: "It stinks! It stinks!"
Bradley: "Oh. It takes 4 photos..."



And so it ends...

And of course I had to get a fart joke in there. SUCESS!

O.R.

Soooooo good!

One of the best (bestest - if you will) parts of Friday night was impulsively getting crazy photos taken in a photo booth at the Jam Factory. While that was great in itself - what was even better was the side of booth which seemed to try compliment every passer by and intice them into the brightly lit lair of photography.



Now who wouldn't be flattered by a compliment like that. I mean, I was...

All I want to know now is who is being quoted as saying that.

I have my theories:

- Alfred Hitchcock [spoken to Janet Leigh on the set of Psycho.]
- John Landis (Director of the Michael Jackson music video Black or White)[spoken to Michael after he became paranoid that his nose looked to artificial in the video.]

That's really all I've got...

O.R.

Why???

Why did I agree to publish The Suicidal Donkey Company comics on my blog? They're pretty bad and they don't seem to have any character development or much humour. Anyway, I've signed the contract and if I don't post their latest publication they'll cut off my fingers - one at a time - while playing every remix of the crazy frog song ever made. What kind of torture could be worse?

So here it is:



Hopefully they'll go out of business soon so I don't have to put my self through the torment I'm going through right now.

O.R.

Das Machinst - A 1970's Abstract German Film

Or The Machinist - starring Christian Bale.

Well, where to begin? I think I had decided that this would be my type of film before I went in to the cinema and I think I was right.

The film involves a man, an extremely skinny man, who works in a factory, sees the same prostitute frequently, mainly for companionship and has become friends with a waitress at a 24 hour coffee shop during the midnight hours. That's all I'm going to tell you. Oh, and it's subject matter - which may or may not be obvious from the description above - is rather depressing.

I liked it - You might like it. You might not.

Pretty bad review, huh?

Well, Mr. B asked for it - and Mr. B got it...

Maybe next time I won't write a review for a film 3 days after I saw it at 1am in the morning.

D.S.

Great Quotes of the Century - # 5

"Now you're the only one here who can tell me if it's true
that you love me and I love me."
- They Might Be Giants

Source: "Kiss Me, Son of God" by They Might Be Giants

R.E.

The egos behind Osmo's Ramblings

In a comment on a recent post Kate said:

I just noticed that some of the posts on this blog are signed D.S. and some are signed R.E...... does that mean there is more than one osmo? mmmmmmmmmm,
interesting *grin*

In response to this I felt I needed to write a little bit of an explanation of the egos that create Osmo's Ramblings.

Of course it all started with O.R.

R.E. appeared soon after in the post Absolute.

D.S. is a more recent addition to the writing team - appearing initially in Standing at the Opera.

So what do these initials stand for you ask? Who are the authors of this crazy, 'not worth it' blog? Or perhaps you don't ask at all. Perhaps you are the mute type.

Osmo Random is the creator (or god/architect if you like) of Osmo's Ramblings.

Rodriguez England is considered to be Osmo's alter-ego.

From www.wikipedia.com:

An alter ego (from Latin, "other I") is another self, a second personality or persona within a person. The term is commonly used in literature analysis and comparison to describe characters who are psychologically identical.

The term and concept are also frequently used in popular fiction, like comic books,
for the secret identity of a superhero, vigilante or crimefighter.

So who is D.S.? Well...some most readers may know, but for those of you don't - the mystery will remain...

Any questions class?

*school bell rings - class gets up quickly to leave as Mr. Random's class was so boring*

Remember to read pages 41 through 44 over the weekend. There'll be a test on Monday.

O.R.

It's still there.

That's right - If you're wondering where the menu bar is (the one that's usually on the right of the posts) it's found it's way down to the bottom of my blog. Go searching and you'll come up with the goods.

In the meantime - I'll try to fix it...but it's probably not worth it.

Also - a recent addition to the Osmo Random Nepotism list: Thoughts of Some Sort.

O.R.

I'm it!

Yes. I've been tagged by Kate.

Here goes:

1)Total number of books I've owned: I'd say at least 300...but that's a total guess...I'm not going to count.

2) The last book I bought: 101 Things To Do Before You Die by Richard Horne.

From the blurb: Have you ever milked a cow? Made the Guinness Book of World Records? Done the Monopoly Board Pub Crawl? Joined the Mile High Club? No? Then it's high time you reassessed your priorities. 101 Things To Do Before You Die is the definitive guide to everything you should do before it's too late.

I've already completed 2 out of the 101 and I'm hoping to complete about 6 more in the next 2 years...Let's see what happens.

3)The last book I read: I started reading The Tempest (Willy Shakespeare - incase you didn't know) for uni, but I haven't finished it. Does that count? Also - I guess it's not a book...well...my version wasn't - it was a photocopied book.

Whatever.

4) 5 books that mean a lot to me:
- 101 Things To Do Before You Die: See above.

- The Grug series: I learnt to read off these and I've still got them. Hopefully my kids (I don't have any yet - don't worry) can get the same enjoyment out of them...

- Fast Foward (don't remember who it was by): One of my favorite books in primary school - mainly because it was about television and two kids who had the ability to use the television remote to stop, play, fast foward and rewind things around them. Who wouldn't want a bit of escapisim during primary school?

- Perfume by Patrick Suskind: I had to read this in year 11 and found it to be one of the best books I've ever read. I think it's recommended reading for anyone! Anyone!!

- Maus (Vol. 1 + 2) by Art Speigleman: One of the best (not that I've read many) graphic/comic novels. The way it deals with it's subject matter (the author's discussions/arguements with his father who had survived the WW2 holocaust) is brilliant. The comic book style is just an added bonus.

5) Tag 5 people and have them fill this out on their blogs:

I don't have 5 people that I can tag. I'm lonely.

So if you're reading this and you want to fill this out by all means - go ahead. I don't like to force people into doing things.

D.S.

Standing at the Opera

So yesterday I got to stand backstage at Opera Australia's production of The Magic Flute. This particular production has been in their repertoire since 1986 (there's some they still perform that are from the late '70s). While the production was kind of interesting - walls that moved in and out, forced perspective, people in furry animal costumes - being backstage listening to the Deputy Stage Manager (DSM) calling the show was mainly boring.

Of course this may have been because earlier in the week I got to be backstage during a performance of The Love for Three Oranges which compared to The Magic Flute was super crazy for the DSM.

The Magic Flute only had 2 fly cues, about 12 mech cues and about 80 lighting cues - compared to The Love for Three Oranges which had about 20 fly cues, 20 mech cues, 140 lighting cues, 4 smoke cues and so on...

Anyway, Opera Australia seems like a feasible option for a bit of employment after uni. It could be fun.

Also - I'm thinking of buying an I-pod. (Yes. I've given in to their ingenious marketing campaigns. I still think there's some subliminal messaging somewhere within those silhouetted dancing people.)

D.S.

Oh, and, just because I can:

Today is 05/05/05.

If my calculations are correct, that won't happen again for 397 days. If not - it's close enough.

R.E.

Great Quotes of the Century - # 4

"Do you realise that everyone you know someday will die, and instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know you realise that life goes fast. It's hard to make the good things last. You realise the sun doesn't go down. It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round."
- The Flaming Lips

Source: "Do You Realise" by The Flaming Lips

R.E.

Viewer demand

That's right. Due to such a high amount of viewer demand I'm proud to present yet another installment in the Suicidal Donkey Company Comics.



Four frames! Next they'll be publishing 10,000 word essays on the popularity of Times New Roman within the Latvian medical community.

O.R.

Great Quotes of the Century - # 3

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side"

- Hunter S. Thompson

Source: www.cakemusic.com

R.E.

Great Quotes of the Century - # 2

"I think finger puppets is okay as a noun."
- Demetri Martin (American Comedian)

Source: I saw him once...

R.E.

Great Quotes of the Century - # 1

"Get away from me you dead crooner"
- Peter Griffin (being attacked by Bing Crosby with a leather belt)


Source: Family Guy Episode FG-207 - A Picture is Worth A 1000 Bucks


R.E.

What the hey...

I give in too easily.

Hence, now, I present, the fourth comic from the Suicidal Donkey Company.



Yet another great piece of legitimate entertainment.

O.R.

That time again

Yes. That's right. It's approximatley that time of the month again. I'm pleased to present yet another comic from the highly intellectual minds of the Suicidal Donkey Company.




Wow...another great piece of legitimate entertainment.

O.R.

Was it worth the time?

Try to learn something new.

Oh, and a warning - this post does contain one word of foul language. I'm sure you'll pick up when it occurs.

• If I was a continent I'd be: South America
• If I was a ocean or body of water I'd be: a wave pool
• If I was a piece of candy I'd be: M&Ms
• If I was a famous building or piece of architecture I'd be: Flinders Street Station
• If I was a store I'd be: Target
• If I was a profession I'd be: a psychologist
• If I was a shoe I'd be: Converse All Stars
• If I was a bad habit I'd be: biting nails
• If I was a swear word I'd be: fuck
• If I was a ice cream flavour I'd be: vanilla
• If I was a disease I'd be: amnesia
• If I was a board game I'd be: Cranium
• If I was a feeling I'd be: lethargy
• If I was a president I'd be: President of the Family Guy Fan Club
• If I was a war I'd be: The war between Pepsi and Coca-Cola
• If I was a city I'd be: Melbourne
• If I was a celebrity I'd be: Jack Black
• If I was a brand of toothpaste: Colgate
• If I was a currency I'd be: Euro
• If I were a month, I'd be: January
• If I were a day of the week, I'd be: Saturday
• If I were a planet, I'd be: Earth
• If I were a sea animal, I'd be: a dolphin
• If I were a direction, I'd be: place into a pre-heated oven for 10 minutes or until golden brown.
• If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be: a really comfy sofa that you could easily fall asleep on.
• If I were a sin, I'd be: Gluttony
• If I were a liquid, I'd be: water
• If I were a tree, I'd be: a palm tree
• If I were a bird, I'd be: a hummingbird
• If I were a tool, I'd be: a hammer
• If I were a flower/plant, I'd be: a hedge
• If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: a fine 25 degrees for the rest of the week
• If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: a drum machine
• If I were an animal, I'd be: a dog
• If I were a vegetable, I'd be: a lettuce
• If I were a sound, I'd be: the sound of the constant movement of a train
• If I were an element, I'd be: earth
• If I were a car, I'd be: a blue MG Roadster with two white racing stripes down the centre.
• If I were a song, I'd be: Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
• If I were a book, I'd be: a book on U.S. theme parks from someone who has never visited them
• If I were a food, I'd be: A hamburger
• If I were a material, I'd be: canvas
• If I were a taste, I'd be: vanilla
• If I were a smell, I'd be: vanilla
• If I were a word, I'd be: maglicious
• If I were a body part, I'd be: a forearm
• If I were a facial expression, I'd be: boredom
• If I were a shape, I'd be: a rectangle
• If I were a number, I'd be: 104
  

So in answer to the question in the title: Not really - but that's my opinion - and, yes, I do know that 'biting nails' didn't have a hyperlink...that's something for you to do.

O.R.

"All the things that make us laugh and cry"

Yes! That's right! Family Guy is returning. After being cancelled but selling way OUT (and I mean way way out) in the DVD department, FOX has decided to 'uncancel' Family Guy!

Editor's note: For readers that are unaware of what Family Guy is please do some research - I can't be bothered doing it for you.

Sunday, May 1st 2005 is the day you want to remember. 9 pm - the time. FOX - the "iffy" network. Unfortunatley, for me, however, it will probably take quite a while for the new season to come through to Australia. But it will return!

O.R.

Post Script: Don't think that because I've posted two days in a row that you'll be getting another post tomorrow - or even in the next week. You'll could be slightly dissapointed if you do.

The second of several...

After quite a long hiatus I'm back.

I'll be back with more later, but so you don't feel like I've manipulated you into selling your soul to me for a 2B pencil, here's the second comic from The Suicidal Donkey Company:



O.R.

The first of several...

Welcome to this post.

You'll notice that this is the first post that has no "Currently listening to:" 'section'. That was mainly because I couldn't be stuffed, but let's just pretend that it's because it was a crappy 'section'.

Secondly, this post includes the very first comic produced by The Suicidal Donkey Company.

Filled with vivid imagery and philosophical debate, this series of comics will delve deep into your daily life, filling the void that was once jam-packed full with thoughts about meanigless reality TV and ear-damaging, techno remakes of songs from the 60's, 70's and 80's.

So without anymore distracting ado, here it is:



O.R.

Courses for Horses

Currently listening to:
Fifty-fifty by Frank Zappa
- I've just started listening to Mr. Zappa and I've found his own, personal blend of humourous, sarcastic lyrics and auditory goodness quite, as the name suggests, good. And of course, I can't go past the fact that he apparantley wrote one of my favorite Sesame Street songs - It's the one that counts up to 12. Just the numbers, no other confusing clap trap. I believe the visuals complimenting the song were reminiscent of a pinball travelling through a pinball machine hitting all the numbers as they were sung, but that's something for you to find out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been away for a week and I went horse riding for the first time in about 6 years. For anyone who hasn't been horse riding in their life, you have to do it. [This is the part where I get all 'obsessed' over horses] Horses are so wonderful - to use a well used phrase: Horses are magnificent creatures. Friendly, yet timid and they all have their own personality.

I'm gonna make sure I go horse riding one a year now. Just thought I'd let you all know that - plus, if it's in writing for the whole world to see there's more of a chance I'll do it.

Can't think of much else to write so I'm gonna finish. <--- there.

O.R.

How expected.

Currently listening to:
The sudden onset of the garden sprinklers.
- No. It's not the title of a song. Although it would be pretty cool. I've got to write it down. Wait...I already did.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Osmo Is 18 Years Old According to the 'What Age Do You Act' Quiz

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

Try The 'What Age Do You Act' Quiz

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's discuss the results.

I am a teenager at heart as well as in physical embodiment.

Although the 'What Age Do You Act' quiz is clearly a planned and highly researched test of the inner workings of the quizee's* brain I would like to know what their sources on their information is. I'm sure I don't question authority. At all. Never.

Now to the "finding my place in the world" bit. I'm not even going to start there. It's way too philosophical and full of metaphorical innuendo for me to even bother - the fact is I'm just too lazy.

Enjoy the quiz!

O.R.

*quizee may or may not be a proper word.

mmm...chocolate...

Currently listening to:
Main Theme from Twin Peaks by Angelo Badalamenti
- Twin Peaks. One of the greatest TV series ever made. Angelo Badalamenti. One of the greatest composers ever created.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, let's just say that I am the most excited that I've been in a long time and it's all because of the new Tim Burton (Edward Scissorhands, Big Fish) celluloid creation Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Yes! But no! It's not a remake of the 1971 musical movie starring the ever brilliant Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, but a brand new movie, this time, with Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka.

The trailer is so wonderfully enjoyable that I want it to come out now!

See the Internet Movie Database page here and also check out the trailer! You must! You just must!

That's it for now...I just had to let you all now how excited I am.

O.R.